Pop Satire - Some Ordure Courtesy of Justin Timberlake

This may seem horrendously out of place on this blog, and that is because it probably is. Fortunately, I do not happen to care. My mother likes to party quite violently and had this song playing on the television before I pummelled her to unconsciousness with a  jar of jam and turned the damned thing off (the TV, not the jam). I despise pop music with the enthusiasm of all my organs and experienced a kind of orgasmic thrill as I banished Justin Timberlake's illiterate whinings to another dimension.

The point of all this, though, is that I want to comment on the lyrics of this dreadful song. The red lyrics below are obviously mine, but they are supposed to be Justin Timberlake's thoughts. These profound musings of his allow me a great mode of providing satire on shitey pop music, which is to say on pop music. I reject the sentiments that tend to animate the genre and I feel this comes across in my additions.

Oh, and I realise this is not a recent song at all, but to someone who listens to practically nothing from this century this song is in pre-production.

 My Love 

My Bitch

If I wrote you a symphony,

It would probably be shit, so this will have to do
Just to say how much you mean to me (what would you do?)

Free sex was a big factor but I could hardly cite that
If I told you you were beautiful

I'd be straining the truth but I believe the risk may be worth taking
Would you date me on the regular (tell me, would you?)

Oh I do hope you'll grant me access to your orifices after I tell you you're sexually attractive
Well, baby I've been around the world

Sorry, that's showing off
But I ain't seen myself another girl (like you)

hahahaha she'll probably fall for this
This ring here represents my heart

OK I did briefly vomit but it missed these lyrics so she won't know
But there's just one thing I need from you (say "I do")
Here's a hint, it begins with 'blowjob'

[Chorus:]
Yeah, because

Grant me leave to explain
I can see us holding hands

Our digits shall be fused in a simulation of intercourse
Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand

Our toes attached to our feet, not just sat in the sand. OK, perhaps poor wording. I won't remove your toes
I can see us on the countryside

Just sat atop it really
Sitting on the grass, laying side by side

Sitting and laying simultaneously, such is the power of being a millionaire
You could be my baby, let me make you my lady

Honestly, you really could
Girl, you amaze me

Your breasts are remarkable

Ain't gotta do nothing crazy

EXCEPT ANAL
See, all I want you to do is be my love

AND ANAL
(So don't give away) My love

Even though 'love is something if you give it away'
(So don't give away) My love

Even though 'love is something if you give it away'
(So don't give away) Ain't another woman that can take your spot, my love

Excepting the ones I penetrated on my last tour
(So don't give away) My love

Even though 'love is something if you give it away'
(So don't give away) My love

I couldn't think of any different words
(So don't give away) Ain't another woman that can take your spot, my love
Last time I repeat myself, promise
Ooooh, girl

Ooooh, bitch
My love

I know I'm not even going out with you yet, bit weird. Sorry
My love
I lied about the repetition. Sorry again

Now, if I wrote you a love note

It would probably be shit, so this will have to do
And made you smile with every word I wrote (what would you do?)

Perhaps exaggerating my writing faculties somewhat, I confess

Would that make you want to change your scene

You're so fat you're basically a stage. Your clothes are topographical features which must be changed by stage crew
And wanna be the one on my team (tell me, would you?)

That way you can make sure I'm not batting for the other team, as it were
See, what's the point of waiting anymore?

I admit this is a bit rapey but you know what I mean
Cause girl I've never been more sure (that baby, it's you)

I'm certain. It is you. I would know that gut anywhere
This ring here represents my heart

It's circular and repeats the same shit lines all the time
And everything that you've been waiting for (just say "I do")

You do like anal, right?

[Chorus:]
This repetition will make it look like I've written more than I have, like one does at primary school

[T.I.'s rap:]
Alright it's time to get it JT

No, I don't know who JT is either, but apparently he's getting it
I don't know why she hesitates for man

You should submit yourself to me instantly, you insolent bimbo
Shorty, cool as a fan

Of the cooling type. Sorry, didn't make that clear. Also I'm sorry to bring your height into things
On the new once again

We're near the end of the song, I'll just put random words now
But, still has fan from Peru to Japan

Yep. Still working
Listen baby, I don't wanna ruin your plan

That would be rude
If you got a man, try to lose him if you can

But do please try to abandon your entire life for me
Cause the girls worldwide throw their hands up high

I suppose they must do at some point
When they wanna come kick it wit a stand up guy

I do comedy on occasion
(Trust me) You don't really wanna let the chance go by

I am LOADED

'cause you ain't been seen wit a man so fly

My grandmother was technically only a mosquito but I embellish it
Baby friends so fly I can go fly

...yeah
Private, cause I handle my B.I.

Boobs and Intercourse
They call me candle guy, simply because I am on fire

And my member shrinks throughout the night
I hate to have to cancel my vacation so you can't deny

Look, I'm really making the effort here. Butlins are useless at refunds so it's probably a dead loss
I'm patient, but I ain't gonna try

If this poem doesn't win you over then it's not possible
You don't come, I ain't gonna die

Your absence grants me immortality. I suppose like a horcrux really
Hold up, what you mean, you can't go why?

You cannot surrender your being to my immense wealth? What is this?
Me and your boyfriend we ain't no tie

I will sodomise him if that is what it takes
You say you wanna kick it when I ain't so high?

I can only write well when I'm high, but I'm sure you agree the results are well worth it
Well, baby it's obvious that I ain't your guy

I suppose I'd better give up, this is boring
Ain't gon' lie, I feel your space

I didn't mean your vagina but that would be nice too
But forget your face, I swear I will

Forget it, you don't need it
St. Bart, St. Bulla anywhere I chill

I will get a sainthood if I have to kill someone
Just bring wit me a pair, I will

I adore wit in girls

[Chorus:]
This looks insubstantial but I can't be bothered to write more. Oh I'll put another chorus in.