Redeemed from Worms: The Apprentice 2013

Now look at this bunch of smarmy wankers. This almost satirical assemblage of insufferable 'entrepreneurs', as they do like to call themselves, heralds the beginning of a new series of The Apprentice, which is a source of great engorgement to me. The producers of this evil show have rightly assessed that putting a collection of annoying, simpering tossers into a confined situation for weeks on end is great television.

So let's see what frothing bellends we've been given this year. These quotes were all taken from the first few minutes of the first episode, and this supports the point I make above. The producers are focusing on trying to agitate the audience as much as possible. They want us to talk about the show and, evidently, they have succeeded in at least one case.

Buffoon 1 states with some certainty that: 'I'm a great of my generation, I'm an innovator and leader in business. I take inspiration from Napoleon, I am here to conquer.' Well I did need a few minutes to recover from the onslaught of self-aggrandisement in this initial salvo of hubris alone. Though some people say Napoleon had the shits at Waterloo, so that should make for good viewing.

Someone else says, 'I'm half machine,' (one of the panellists of You're Fired asked, 'Which half?') and, 'I can process things at a speed which is out of this world.' Well you might perhaps be better suited to the world of abstract mathematics than flogging cat litter and toilet roll then.

'Oh... piss off.'

We then have, 'Some people might come to this process with a game plan. I just feel my effortless superiority will take me all the way.' I can't really comment on this, it explains itself with more ease than is healthy.

One man says, 'I'm business perfection personified,' with - somehow - a straight face. I'm certain these people must initially say to the cameras: 'Well I'm just glad to have got this far, everyone is lovely and the production team have been so welcoming,' at which point a producer screams into a megaphone, 'MORE AGGRESSION! PRETEND NICK JUST SLAPPED YOU.' No human can possibly be so narcissistic, so base, so tragically endowed with megalomania that its appeasement leads paradoxically to hostility to everything else.

Oh and next we have (I'm beginning to weary now): 'I'm prepared to fight to the death to become Lord Sugar's business partner' - well, the tasks are probably the usual mundanities, but we can hope this promise might be called upon... Anyway, a fight to the death is surely the most extreme scenario one might put one's name down for; what she is really saying is, 'I'm prepared to fight to the death - or undertake any less severe task - to become Lord Sugar's business partner.' Well these less severe tasks might include shoving chillies up her bottom, or hurling Cumberland sausages at the local bishop mid-recitation. A more honest statement would have been, 'I'm prepared to sell toilet rolls and bottles of water, an act of clear submission both to the stupidity of television and to my own avarice, in order to become Lord Sugar's business partner.'

Additionally, in what I believe is a direct quote from Alexander Pope: 'I have the energy of a Duracell bunny, the sex appeal of Jessica Rabbit, and a brain like Einstein.' OK... next quote.

'I will do anything to win. Cheating, manipulating, I will do it.' Is this not what is wrong with humanity? There is something deeply repugnant about this constant need to beat others. At the very least it demonstrates great insecurity. Perhaps some sort of remedial aid for this chap.

Now we come on to the team names. These are decided by the most boring, loathsome people and are therefore the most boring, loathsome names. The suggestions for each team were:

Women
Alchemy - why on earth would someone choose to call their company Alchemy?! It is possibly the most scam-oriented pseudo-science she could have chosen to mention. Other team names suggested were 'Ponzi Scheme Solutions' and 'Timeshare Operations'. The team eventually settled on Evolve, something they all certainly have ample room to do.

Men
Endeavour - I love the brilliance of this name. I can imagine frustrated customers ringing to complain, being met only with a chuckle and a hastened 'Well, we did endeavour. If you wanted the goods by Monday, you should have gone with Certitude.'

Aside from any pragmatic analysis of these silly names, aren't Evolve and Endeavour vomit-inducing enough, just as words which one might hope to ascribe to one's aspirations? Perhaps not as bad as the frankly inhumane name Synergy, though, which seems to be suggested by some mental vegetable in every series.

Anyway, all I can conclude from this episode of the show is that we are fortunate to have this thing called 'business' because it is a receptacle into which self-centred imbeciles such as these candidates can be hurled. Here they can avoid normal humans as much as possible.

Here are some pictures of the grand event, complete where I can be bothered with captions: